Harvey, Kindergarten, and the Zombie Apocalypse

So weekend before last we had Harvey come through.  Thankfully, we are about 3 hours inland, and not right not on the coast.  We were very blessed that we only got minor damage to the house, and everything that was destroyed is replaceable.  The fence will get rebuilt, the siding and roof will get repaired. I can’t imagine having our entire home, and all the precious mementos within, washed away.  My heart goes out to those families that have to rebuild their lives.  And now those in the line of Irma.

Having said that though, last week was filled with fence contractors, roofers climbing around, and insurance adjusters.  Man, the insurance company. I think I would rather go to the gynecologist AND get a root canal before dealing with the insurance company again.  I think I’m thankful to have house insurance.

So in addition to Harvey, my oldest started kindergarten this week.  She’s never done any kind of school before, so this is a big adjustment. All 4 kids have to have new schedules to accommodate dropping off and picking up, and man she’s cranky when she gets home. Everyone’s exhausted.  And then it only took about 2 days for her to come home saying one of the girls was mean to her at recess and a boy spit on her.  This kindergarten stuff is not for the faint of heart.

Last weekend for the long holiday we traveled to visit family. And there was a gas shortage. Actually, that may or may not be true. The rumor of a gas shortage
started circling on social media, due to Harvey and the refineries in Houston. So everyone freaked out and started hoarding gas. So then all the gas stations were out of gas. But was there really a shortage to being with?  Who knows.  Some say yes and some say no. I don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg.

But the night before we left, Kevin took the car (which was on empty) to fill it up.  He literally had to go to at least 6 gas stations before he found one with gas.  They had cops out watching for hoarders, employees directing traffic, long times, the whole bit.  Then Saturday as we were driving, there was only gas at 1 or 2 stations out of the dozen or so we passed.

I’m not so worried about the gas problem now. It’ll pass, and we’ll all be fueled up again soon. But it did get me thinking about what happens when the zombie apocalypse comes and we for real have a gas shortage.  I think it’s probably inevitable that the pumps will dry up at some point. Hopefully that comes after we’ve conquered and moved on from our dependence on petroleum, but what if it doesn’t?  I guess we’d start walking everywhere.  Maybe buy a horse?  The Amish might have the right idea.  They may have the last laugh.

Harvey did get me thinking about being more responsible about having a disaster plan in place for the family. When you hear the announcement to either evacuate or else write your name and social on your arm with a Sharpie, you start thinking about things a little differently.  Thankfully we weren’t close enough to the coast to need to evacuate, but how scary would that be? 

 

I do also think I need to start building up a supply of food at home. I’ve seen different websites about how to build up enough food to feed a family of however many over the course of a few months, buying here and there. It was eerie to see so many empty shelves at the grocery store. We are so dependent on others to take care of us. What would we do if we couldn’t just go buy what we need? No gas? No food at the grocery? We’d be sunk. We’d all want to be friends with Bear Gryllis, he’d probably be fine.

It makes me think that I need to get a little survival training. Here in our neck of the woods the beer and tortilla chips were the first to sell out. What if rather than just eat like the paleolithic people, we had to hunt and gather like them, too? Would that happen? What would we hunt?  Or gather?  Would we all be hiding in bunkers, fighting each other to the death over the last bit of supplies like in the Hunger Games? Or would we be doing whatever it is that they do in The Walking Dead? (I’ve never seen that show, but I don’t think it turns out very well for most of them). I hope when the apocalypse comes I’m not wearing a red shirt.  I at least want to make it to the sequel.

The 10 Commandments of School Lunches

This has absolutely nothing to do with ninja, but guys, it has to be addressed…

My oldest is starting kindergarten this week, tomorrow to be exact, and I decided last Friday night that I better think about what I’m going to be packing for her lunches.  So I started making my lunch idea list.

1.  Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Fruit.  Pretzels.

I didn’t get very far.  She can’t take mac and cheese because she can’t warm it up, and that pretty much exhausts our lunch rotation around here.  Don’t judge me.

Plus, she’ll only eat fresh mac and cheese, and not leftovers rewarmed.  It’s a whole thing around here.

So I went to google.  Oh. My. Gosh.  I had no idea what big business kids school lunches are.  Are you kidding me???

I was overwhelmed in about 2.3 seconds.

Gone are the days of a PBJ, in a plastic sandwich bag, inside a brown paper bag.  That’s absolutely unacceptable these days.

Now I certainly wasn’t going to send her lunch in a brown paper bag (I mean, we had to search through every. single. lunch box in town to find the. perfect. Hello Kitty one), but I had no idea that if I sent my child with a PBJ, in a plain (gasp!) sandwich bag, how much I would be communicating to all the other parents and school employees how little I actually cared about my child.  Or the planet.

So I did a little research, and I found out the new acceptable rules for school lunches, so that your child feels secure in your love for them.  And the Earth does too.   I’m passing these rules along to you, so that if you have also procrastinated on the lunch front (or were totally ignorant like I was), it’ll save you some time.  And your child will be spared from a life of sex, drugs, and jail since you got kindergarten lunch figured out early.

**Disclaimer:  Since I have only researched the appropriate ways to pack a kindergartener’s lunch, I can’t speak personally to whether or not these rules apply to any other grades.  Don’t blame me if you ruin your first graders life because you packed them a kindergartener’s lunch.**

The 10 Commandments of (Kindergarten) School Lunches:

1.  All the containers the food is packaged in should be reusable. A bento box lunch container is preferred. They are available in 1-7 separate compartments, based on how much you love your child. You can also get versions with labeled compartments so you can be sure to remember to include all the food groups. If you love your child just a little bit, you’ll get an inexpensive plastic version. Just beware that every time you serve your sweet child a meal in it, you’re slowing giving him/her cancer from all the chemicals leaking in to it from the plastic. If you really love your child a lot, you’ll go with the stainless steel version that is cancer-leaking chemical free. And it’s $70. Yes, I said 70. Seven. zero. Dollars. FOR A LUNCH CONTAINER! But I mean, whatever, if you don’t love your kid, I guess that’s your prerogative. Choose the plastic then. You might as well not buckle them in on the way to school either.

BONUS POINTS:  You purchase 5 different bento lunch containers so their creativity is sparked anew each day with the variety.  And it’ll probably make them smarter.

EXAMPLE: 

2.  Sandwiches are not appropriate.  They convey laziness.  Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches specifically convey that you don’t care about your child’s health.  They are only okay, once per quarter, if all the following criteria are met:

a. they are made with 100% whole grain, gluten free, no sugar added wheat bread

b. no sugar added freshly mashed fruit instead of jelly

c.  organic no salt added peanut butter.  

If you can’t get past the sandwich idea, opt for a ‘pinwheel’ instead. The same rules for bread (see a. above) would apply to the tortilla, of course, but you would roll up your selected foods together, and then slice them into pinwheels. You may not use plain toothpicks, you must use BPA free reusable toothpics with little animal faces on them. Then your kids will know you love them. 

BONUS POINTS:  You include a handwritten education sheet for each animal depicted on a toothpick so they can learn something while they eat.

EXAMPLE: 

3.  If you are still going to send a sandwich or piece of bread of any kind, they must be cut into fun shapes using a sandwich sized shape cutter.  That way they know you love them.  The hearts and dinosaurs are kind of overdone, so you really should move on to the ‘2 dolphins with a heart’ cutter.  

BONUS POINTS: You can find a unicorn sandwich shape cutter.  Or just cut one by hand.

EXAMPLE:

 

4.  You must include all the food groups in the appropriate ratios in the lunch.  They need a protein, dairy, fruit, veg, and carb.  This way they know you love them.  It goes without saying that all protein should be grass-fed, free range, antibiotic free.  The fruit and veg should be organic, non-GMO, and locally grown.  

BONUS POINTS:  You taught your child about cultivating the Earth while you grew and harvested the fruit and veg yourselves.

EXAMPLE:

5.  If you are going to include anything that is firm to semi-firm, it must be cut into little shapes with little shape cutters.  That way your kids know you love them.  Using a plain melon baller is no longer acceptable.  Examples of foods that will be expected to be shaped: watermelon, cantaloupe, kiwi, banana, cheese, meat, bread, cucumbers, carrots, etc.  

BONUS POINTS:  If you’re sending a banana in their lunch, and don’t love them enough to cut it into shapes, at least give it a tattoo.

EXAMPLE: 

6.  If it is a food that cannot be cut into a shape, it needs to have eyes.  Then your kids will know you love them. 

BONUS POINTS: You have taught your child Japanese, so they can read the packaging the fruit eyes come in.

EXAMPLE:

7.  The different foods in your child’s lunch cannot touch.  Although they may be in the same bento compartment, they can’t mix.  So get reusable silicone baking cups to put in each compartment, with each food getting it’s own container.

BONUS POINTS: You choose something other than plain round cups.  It’ll make your kids smarter.

EXAMPLE:

8.  You must include a little love note in every lunch.  Then everyone will know how much you love your child.

BONUS POINTS: Your kindergartner is already an expert reader on Day 1 of class.  That way they can read the note.  And you’ll show all the teachers how much you love your child because you’ve already taught them how to read.

EXAMPLE:

9.  If you can theme it, it must be themed.  Obvious days would be Birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  But don’t forget Easter, Flag day, and Earth Day.  These are the bare minimum.  You should also include a themed lunch for any topic your child is studying in school, or favorite topic they’re in to at the time. 

BONUS POINTS:  You do a Star Wars theme on May 4th.

EXAMPLES: 

10.  And it should go without saying that you may not repeat a school lunch.  Ever. 

BONUS POINTS:  You go all the way through senior year without repeating a lunch.

EXAMPLE:

Man, and I thought $2.55 per school-bought lunch was expensive.  Sounds like a bargain now.  Although I’m pretty sure I would doom her social life and intelligence potential forever if she was forced to buy school lunch.